The inner nudge to share my experience of living with chronic pain has led me to write this series. It feels liberating to express my innermost feelings once again. While the smile I wear isn’t a facade, I don’t deny the tears shed behind closed doors. Guilt and shame still linger, wrapped within the pain I endure.
I’ve labeled chronic pain as the “silent disability.” Some argue that it isn’t a real disability or disease, yet the statistics tell a different story. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), approximately 20.9% of U.S. adults (equivalent to 51.6 million persons) experienced chronic pain in 2021. Additionally, 6.9% (around 17.1 million persons) dealt with high-impact chronic pain—pain that significantly restricts daily activities.
Amidst the struggle, I’ve made a vow: focus daily on gratitude rather than the pain. I remind myself that it could always be worse. Instead of complaining, I seek the lessons that pain has come to teach me.
In the next part of this series, I’ll delve into the spiritual insights gained from this journey, but for now I will share the life changing lessons I have learned.
If you are wondering, how can pain teach you lessons? Only a crazy person would look at pain from that perspective. Well, I am that crazy person who believes that every life experience brings with it a lesson and no life experience is ever wasted!
That afternoon after leaving the neurologist office and sitting in my car I told myself that I was done with westernized medicine. That was far from the truth because the human mind always searches for an explanation. However, what I did do was this. I made a concrete decision that pain was not going to rule my life, even if I had to live life with tears in between laughter, pain was not going to win. In November of 2023, I was able to go on a family cruise, pain and all. Was it a challenge? Indeed, it was! I made sure I had pain medicine on hand, and I attempted to enjoy the moments that the pain was at a minimum. One day, it took everything within me to make it to the breakfast bar, being on the water especially when it rained had me feeling like I wanted to die! I sat inside one of the booths that cloudy day and looked out to onto the enormous ocean, all I could do was cry and pray. I don't remember how long I sat there, unable to move as electrical shocks went throughout my legs; God why are you punishing me? What did I do to deserve this? I took out my journal and began to write every single thought that came to my mind. The conclusion, this wasn't a punishment, pain was a gift, a hard lesson, but an eye opening one that I needed.
The everyday battle of living with chronic pain taught me that I could either lay down and have a pity party for myself or I can forge ahead like the spiritual warrior that I am. Trust me, I sympathize with those whose pain has surpassed the threshold of perseverance. I was there too, but I couldn't give up or give in! What would life look like for my grandchildren without me? I decided that when the pain was at a minimum I would enjoy life. Trips to the beach were still on the agenda. I looked at those trips as the perfect opportunity to immerse my entire body into the water and cleanse my soul. I found joy in the journey and that has not stopped. On the days my body won't cooperate, I am gentle with me and I also talk nice to my body.
Another major lesson that I learned was not to take anything for granted. Truth be told, I still have moments that I struggle with this one. Would of, should of, could of! But I realized that life happens, and chronic pain isn't particularly anyone's fault. It can pounce on the healthy as well as the unhealthy it has no picks. Oh, how I thought if I just has stopped eating meat, cut out sugar and the list goes on and on, but I also realized that this body is sometimes prone to deterioration it's just something that comes with aging. It's not always possible to prevent chronic pain entirely, although there are simple things we can do to try to combat it before it takes a detrimental toll, physically. Every day that I have breath I refuse to take it for granted. Living with chronic pain has taught me to be kinder than I already am. To be slow to anger because we never know what other people are going through and enduring, silently. Living with chronic pain taught me to stop complaining, especially working at a cancer hospital, I felt like a hypocrite when people are suffering more than I am. Stop complaining about the job or even about tomorrow when today has enough worries within itself for today. I'm learning to offer myself grace and compassion. To know that it is okay to not be okay and to not compare my pain to someone's else degree of pain. To let go of unforgiveness, to let go of internal pain that I have been carrying around for too many years. To let go of anger and bitterness. To let go of should of, would of, could of. It also taught me to speak up and be my own advocate. Your body is your temple get acquainted with it, know when something is off and don't allow nobody convince you that you're wrong about your temple.
The most crucial lesson and the most valuable one is this, living with chronic pain taught me to let go of control and to put all my trust in God. Pain has brought me closer to God. While lying in bed unable to move I started to pray and seek God and what He had promised me concerning my health. I began to find joy in spending time with God and in those moments, I did not pay attention to the pain, or it would begin to minimize from a 10 to a 3. I continued to ask God why was He allowing me to go through such debilitating pain? I sought God with questions that He only had the answer to.
I had decided to start a new business as an independent contractor providing home care services, one day as I was driving to my client's house, my body was wrecked with excruciating pain. I heard God speak and finally answer one of my prayers. The answer was one that brought me to tears. God spoke to me and asked me when was I going to take care of me? I was in service to my job, and now this new venture, but sacrificing myself, my body, ignoring my pain and being of service to everyone else but myself. I cried a river and attempted to stifle my tears before I arrived at my client's house. I worked my client up until this week, as my body was on the brink of giving up on me. I think as the pain in my body continues to flow through my limbs, that maybe, just maybe God is telling me to rest. Not only is God speaking but my body and my cells are speaking to me as well. Now the ball is in my court, will I listen? At this point I feel like I have no choice.
Pain is teaching me to prioritize me. To honor my body's, need to rest, recharge, and to reset.
Living with chronic pain is also teaching me to pay attention to the foods that I am consuming. Which foods trigger inflammation inside my body and cause my nerves to go haywire. It's also teaching me that health is true currency of wealth! That if I don't honor and take care of my body it will not honor and take care of me. Recently I've began to feel like I am losing muscle mass, so I asked myself what's in my control. I might not be able to run on the treadmill like I used to, and I might not be able to walk 5 miles, currently, but I am not opposed to starting at the bottom and attempting to walk a 1/2 mile until I rebuild my endurance. I could make a million excuses but that would fix anything, so instead I focus on what I can do and not what I can't do! I am hopefully that one day I will be restored back to my full optimal health. I am learning to control what's in my control, and I am starting with changing my diet! But that's a post for another time, lol.
Thank you for holding space for me. I would love to hear your personal stories and journey on living with chronic pain or any other illness for that matter. Just know that you are not alone! If only for 10 minutes today make it a goal to not allow pain to win. I've decided to ween myself off of prescription medications. Some of the medications were causing me more damage than they were doing me good. I even went through withdrawal symptoms and that was an entire experience of the worst kind. My goal now is to switch to a more holistic approach to healing and a plant-based diet. Unfortunately, health insurance doesn't cover the cost but I'm thanking that God will provide.
I will keep you posted on my journey and progress. Plus, it's one more part to this series, so make sure you subscribe so you can be in the know.
Peace, Love and Healing ✨️
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