Can you believe in God too much?

Hey, I'm back. Whew, a few things have transpired since my last post which caused me to take a little break from writing. Although my intention was to write more on this blog, life got in the way, well to be honest my mind got in the way.

If you are wondering what it is that I mean by that statement, keep reading and I will explain beginning with the unfolding of the events from today. Today is February 23, 2024, and upon rising to greet this day, I had a break in my mental faculties. As I proceeded to greet the day with my daily mantra, "Thank you God for a new day, I love you.", "Thank you God for the very breath that I am breathing, unto you do I commit this day feel free to order my steps. So, it so and so it shall be, Amen". Immediately, tears began to stream down my face and a thought formed that made me question my sanity. God am I crazy? God, am I going crazy? What is happening in this moment? Why am I sitting here crying? Am I crazy for believing in the supernatural and trusting in the unknown to the depths of my being that I am having a psychotic break? As I sat on the edge of my bed, listening to my own rampant thoughts and trying to catch my breath, trying to silence the voices, I began asking myself whose voice is this asking me these questions? Oh, my God, I am going crazy!! This is what a moment of psychosis looks like. Dear God please help me!! I wish I was making this up, but the truth of the matter is, I heard my own voice from two different perspectives.

As I am writing this experience out, I am now coming into the realization that it was my higher self and my lower self, my Spirit and my flesh, my inner Being and my physical being at war within itself. Mark 3:25 clearly states that a house that be divided against itself, that house cannot stand, it would surely fall. God I'm falling, help!

What my spiritual journey has taught me through life experiences is that I am that house that can oftentimes be divided against myself. Your Spirit and your flesh are always at war and sometimes it will depend on how grounded you are spiritually or in said physical reality if you will fall, and what you will fall prey to.

I proceeded to prepare myself for the day by putting on my work clothes and just allowing the tears to fall and the voices to duke it out, for lack of better words until suddenly! Suddenly I hear a still small voice whisper to me, be still, this is a deeper level of what it feels like to experience an ego death. I begin to feel a sense of peace. However, this unknowing or sense of uncertainty in my own thoughts caused me to seek an external form of validation to what exactly it was that I was experiencing. I proceeded to text my dad and ask him; can you believe in God too much?

I also had to phone a friend who overstands my crazy! I suggest you get you a friend that gets your crazy and can make sense of it, they will talk you off the ledge. My dad's response to my question was, "Never, because He is too much and Able!". These words also provided me with a sense of peace.

When I was called to go deeper within my relationship and realization of who God is in Spirit and in truth it was a journey that I had to walk alone. My prayers are not like most as I don't tend to pray for things of this physical world. I say that to say, be careful what you pray for, especially if it's a deeper knowing of God. Today as I began to listen to the voice of my creator, I was comforted in knowing that there is no such a thing as believing in God too much. I also was comforted in knowing that the experience that I was having was part of the surrendering of ego to fully letting go and letting God. The secret place of God where we find rest under the wings of the Almighty are oftentimes the darkest moments we face in our human experience. All this week I have been talking about and speaking on topics such as getting to know God beyond the surface and being crazy enough to believe and trust in the unknown. However, what I did not take into account that speaking these words (I trust in the unknown), into existence also posed the risk of manifesting situations where my "beliefs" would be tested. Truth be told, if I were to actually be crazy, I would rather be crazy for God and set apart than sane in a world where everyone looks the same. I also have to be honest within this space because I know that society has made Spirituality a trend so terms such as ego death and dark knight of the soul are spiritual expressions that oftentimes lack depth of what the actual experience entails. I have died a million deaths within my lifetimes but each time I reemerge I come back wiser than the previous life. What does that mean as I continue to reincarnate, I learn lessons from my previous lives that I no longer have to repeat. In my world, it also means that with age I grow in wisdom and in strength of who I am spiritually.

I used to use the term ego death loosely until today when I actually experienced the most life breaking ego death I have ever experienced, a psychotic break, now I know what Nikohl Rei is speaking on in her live videos. This ego death today was a breaking, a shattering, a crushing of my own illusions and the tears that I shed was the anointing being released. It is not by coincidence that on yesterday I prayed to God and asked to reveal the darkness within me, allow me to enter into His secret place and upon rising I had this experience. I know as you read these words, they might not make sense to you but if you are on a mission to know God and not just know of God, you too will have an experience that will cause you to question your very existence and mental state. Take into account that it might not look like mine, because not every ego death is created equal or is respecter of persons. Hold on! You are not crazy; you are just experiencing the shedding of the old for the new version of yourself that has been waiting to emerge.

As I am being honest with myself and also with you, I have to mention that as I continued to find my grounding and balance in the physical through the five senses, I found myself craving a sense of normalcy. I started thinking that I need to get out the house more, maybe I need to engage in everyday activities like "normal" people. A plethora of thoughts flooded my mind, and I considered going back to existing in the land of living, lol. Which simply means running back to the things that pleased my flesh but left my Spirit empty. What really constitutes normal anyway? I spend a lot of time alone; I tend to call this my sacred solitude. I even mentioned to someone the other day that I am never alone or bored because I am always talking to God, of course he laughed. That conversation entered my thoughts today, and honestly, I thought, oh my God why did I say those words? People really think I am crazy! Oh my God is what I am saying, thinking, living my life out loud is it crazy? Who talks to God all day? Who really actually prays without ceasing unless they are sleeping? Am I not grounded in reality? Heck, am I crazy?

As I am writing this, and I come to a close what I realized is that my prayers are being answered. I have been awaiting the arrival of this version of myself since about the age of 6 or 8, when I told my teacher that I only want to be who God created me to be. I'm sure she thought I was crazy too. Heck, even repeating it out loud and writing it down, the thoughts of am I crazy are trying to invade my mind. What little kid do you know of who thinks such thoughts and dare to speak them?

It is moments such as these that God and I just laugh with each other, because the reality, my reality is I am crazy enough to believe that my Faith is a radical revolution. I am crazy enough to believe that everything that God has said about me and to me is a fact that I can take to the bank and is the sturdy foundation on which I can build my house (my inner Being). Trusting in God, trusting in the unknown, faith activated will not make sense in the physical sense or through physical eyes, this I know to be true but that's how you will know that is a God thing and not a you thing. Even the courage to share my truth within the words of this post is crazy, but here I am capable, courageous and of sound mind, embracing what others fear, living in their truth. Does that make me crazy, possibly. So, in conclusion, ask yourself the question can you believe in God too much? How does that belief look to you? How does it show up? Are you willing to lose your life (ego death) to gain new life (ascension of consciousness/ Christ consciousness)? The reward for your belief can cause you to look crazy in a world full of sane people who look the same. It wasn't until I lost my mind that I found my mind and I also found my voice.

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must live. Charles Bukowski